The Chakra-quiddick Round-Up

Al Gore, the hypocritical, sanctimonious, global warming hoax-peddling inventor of the Internet might be in all sort of trouble, including the legal kind following accusations that he tried to release his second chakra with a masseuse.  The scandal has already cost Al his place at America’s social gathering of the year.

If you’re playing catch-up on the story, fear not, everything you need to know about the littlest prophet and the masseuse is here.

One Night in Portland

On Oct. 24, 2006, Al Gore gave a speech on global warming in Portland, Oregon.  Later that night, Gore is said to have called on the services of Molly Haggerty, a masseuse, at his suite in the Hotel Lucia.

What happened next is the stuff of accusation and denial, but the masseuse called a sexual assualt helpline and made a complaint of inappropriate behavior to the local police.  You can click the link to read the full police report, or steel yourself and just watch the Taiwanese movie version:


It was during her struggle with a possibly intoxicated Goreacle that Haggerty called him a ‘crazed sex poodle’ and ‘big lummox’.  She has since sharpened her descriptions of Gore to be ‘a pervert and sexual predator‘.

Three Years Later

Haggerty never followed up on her accusations with the police until January of 2009.  Why the delay?  According to some with experience of sexual assault, its not unusual that they go unreported at all.  Also, Haggerty was getting dubious advice from hippie friends, one of whom told her to suck it up or global warming will destroy the world.

But Haggerty did revisit the police and complete her complaint, but then the Portland police turned into the keystone cops and dropped the ball.  Indeed, the Chief of Police claims he never even read the complaint against a prominent public figure misbehaving in his jurisdiction.

The ‘procedural errors’ in the police’s 2009 investigation are the reason the case has been re-opened, we are told.  Well, that and the fact the Portland police look like they tried to bury the complaint now that it’s plastered all over front pages on the newsstands.

The local press is also denying that they covered for Al Gore by not reporting a possibly explosive story.  The Portland Tribune is taken to the woodshed by Jeffrey Lord who dismantles the excuses and leaves the Trib looking weak and complicit in an attempt to suppress the inconvenient tryst.

shoulda kept the chakra in my pants

Summer 2010

The National Enquirer broke the news of Al’s alleged assault, which has a few of the elite sneering.  But news in the Enquirer is big, just ask Tiger Woods or John Edwards if their scandals were any less credible just because a tabloid rag broke it.

Gore’s statements are being parsed and found to be subtly changing as the story gathers momentum, not a good sign.  Also, there is the odd move to protect Gore’s property assets by moving them into an LLC.

Three little letters that might have made Al move his assets into protection: DNA.  Haggerty kept her pants from the night at the Hotel Lucia, claiming there are little prophet stains on them.  Will the Veep be brought low by black pants as his boss was by a blue dress?


Al’s fate is far from decided, but if he is guilty he deserves whatever he gets.

But he won’t be the only loser.  America’s left, especially the women’s movement, may well hang their heads in shame at their blame the victim, protect the Dem reaction:

Based on the indifferent reaction from feminist circles, it appears that as long as naughty boys are liberal, women on the left are not offended by raunchy male conduct. Could it be that liberal ladies find it easy to overlook attempted rape and sexual harassment charges if the male aggressor is pro-choice and promises to save the planet

The invective against Haggerty is stunning, especially since we are told the left is the ‘tolerant’ side of the spectrum.  Defend the attacker, belittle the victim:

HusseinTenaX Let me just add here: Al Gore is a man of importance and power and you can’t tell me he doesn’t have his own bunch of political groupies who would give it up to him in a second. In other words, he doesn’t have to fight some 54 year old masseuse to get laid.  I know at least 3 women who have such crushes on him, they’d fight each other for the chance.

This story isn’t close to done yet but Al Gore might well be able to claim that he’s feeling an increase in the heat this summer.  For once he can only blame himself, not global warming.


6 thoughts on “The Chakra-quiddick Round-Up”

  1. HANOVER FISTE is sworn in, as GORE’s lawyer begs.


    But the most we can hope for is to
    get ya buried in secrecy so yer grave
    don’t get violated! Plead guilty!


    Shut up, Charlie. I got an angle.


    What angle?

    (pointing to Fiste)


    CUT TO



    State your name for the record.

    (fidgeting nervously with
    the green ball)

    I am Hanover Fiste.

    CUT TO


    (winking to lawyer)

    I promised him thirty-five million
    carbon credits to testify on my behalf.




    You know the defendant,
    Mr. Gore?


    Yes, I know Mr Gore. And
    never did there live a kinder, more
    generous man. He is an overflowing
    cup, filled with the very cream of
    human goodness …

    CUT TO


    (to lawyer)





    … in all the time I’ve known him,
    he’s never done anything immoral …
    unless maybe the Pre-Schooler’s
    Prostitute ring …

    CUT TO


    They look at each other, shocked.





    (speaking gently)

    … and he’s ah, never done anything
    illegal …
    (turning sharply)
    … unless you count all the times
    he sold dope disguised as a nun!!
    (reverting to meekness)
    He’s always been a good, law-abiding
    citizen …
    (shouting at himself)
    Awww, gimme a break!!
    (gentle again)
    … of the Federation, and, and …
    (going schizo)
    Shut Up! Shut Up! Shut Up!
    (gentle, but starting to sweat)
    … a community-concious individual, ah, ah …
    (rising in crazed anger)
    (pointing as he screams)
    He’s nothin’ but a low-down, double-dealin’,
    back-stabbin’, larcenous, perverted worm!!

    GORE and his lawyer look on, horrified, as FISTE’S body
    starts to grow.


    Hangin’s too good for him!!

    New muscles tear through FISTE’S shabby clothes.


    Burnin’s too good for him!!

    Growing larger, he starts foaming at the mouth.


    Hanover …


    He should be torn into little bitsy
    pieces and buried alive!!!


    I’ll kill him!

    He hurls the Prosecutor aside, and moves towards GORE with
    thundering footsteps.


    KII – ILLL!!!

    Still growing, he rips apart the Judge’s bench as he passes
    it. Finally he stands towering in rage over the terrified

    (to Fiste)

    H-h-hey, Hanover …
    n-now take it easy, Hanover,
    I’m sure we can talk this ov …

    Instinctively, GORE leaps back as FISTE’S giant hands come
    smashing down in the spot where GORE stood. The gallery
    scatters screaming as GORE runs for the door. Slavering,
    FISTE thunders after him. GORE runs through the exit,
    bolting the door behind him. FISTE follows, tearing the
    door apart, and bringing the entire courtroom wall down in
    the process.

    excerpt from the movie Heavy Metal, adapted to the moment.

    Ain’t justice grand?

    Apologies if this doesn’t come through intact.

  2. Portland is hardly a ‘prostitution free’ zone, so the question becomes ‘Why didn’t just have the hotel send him a hooker(or as they’re known in the Progresso-sphere, an ‘erection-abatement engineer’)?

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